I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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