All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
