Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
whose ass print is on the piano?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
