Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
