i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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