oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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