im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize