You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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