i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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