So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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