Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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