Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
