I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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