his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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