True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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