We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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