i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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