I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
