If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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