My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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