If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
