Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
