You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
