Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
