Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Someone signed my nipple.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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