I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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