my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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