sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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