so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
