Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
