i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
