Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
