We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize