Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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