I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
