I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
