apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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