apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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