no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
