i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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