I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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