it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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