Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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