he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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