I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
