i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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