The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
