kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
