Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
