My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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