either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize