Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
