i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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