apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
