you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
