I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
