her vagine was all disorganized.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
