i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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